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ORIGINAL “Engineering Up Revenue Via Mentorship Marketing” (EURVMM)

by Larry Chiang on February 27, 2014

Larry Chiang taught engineering at Stanford University so CS majors can get a JBA (Jedi in Business Administration).

Larry Chiang Larry Chiang, NY Times bestselling author.

By Larry Chiang

This phrase has been uttered so many times that googling it is impossible RE: “How to do what Duck9 Does WITHOUT HAVING TO HIRE Duck9”. It. Is. Everywhere.

So, I created a sequel title, EURVMM, even though zero has changed. It even now has the non sequitur #EURVMM. Remember, kids. The business recipes are like GitHub. Super easy to copy-paste-execute subroutines. Thank you Garry Tan for mentoring me to code. If you do not know what Git Hub is… put your left hand out for the “Right Hand Rule”. Next, make a fist. Now punch yourself in the groin-pubic area.

Git-Hub EURVMM. Engage code

Slide ONE: The Title Slide is exactly, “How to Do What Duck9 Does Without Having to Hire Duck9”. If your company is not called Duck9, I would substitute “Asse9”.
“How to Do What ProsperAss Does Without Having to Hire ProsperASS”
Slide TWO: Goal. My goal = make your institutional credit underwriting five times better than your current piece of dog crap. And you do not even pay. You only pay3% of your savings.
Slide 3: Define prob. Right now, Duck9 is so awesome. That is a problem bc our CEO is at a board meeting of a company that is not Duck9. Oh, and we have a waitlist of clients wanting our awesomeness.
Slide 4: Define really expensive alternatives. Mainly do nothing. Mainly, keep doing what youre currently doing.

Slide 5: what. we. do. This is what the eff D-u-c-k-9 does.THIS IS THE WHAT DOES LARRY CHIANG DO, SLIDE. (if Larry Chiang is not on your board, LOL- do not use my name!!)

Duck9 levers “Second stage premiums” cuz they work realz good. Think of that crap-ass incentive program you do. It is horrible and you are embarassed. My mom is laughing at your team right now and she’s sorry to giggle. Well, we here @duck9 have a technical phrase for it: “First. Stage. Premiums.”

Slide 6: what you do and might do, business practice wise, until 2016 and beyond

Maybe do a “pre-First stage premium” in house. Before the disgusting ‘one-off’, do a clever value add. It is a necessary, legacy, evil to offer a first stage premium. Contrasting this is the Duck9-Steven Brightman-Matt Smith-Larry Chiang genius. Uber super smart to execute a premium BEFORE THE FIRST STAGE. Remember, I, Larry Chiang, am a dirty dirty lead-gen whore so I love me a good first stage sales promo. I just wanna make sure I cuddle (second stage) and foreplay (stage zero)

Look at how glued you are to this PRESO. You, you are actually getting an elevated heart beat. Here. Take two Larry Chiang blog posts and de-constipate your crap azz crap. Btw, this is an example of us eating our own advice and using our own method. I mean, who else can you use for college credit card marketing to sorority girls?! What other firm can you use that is either still in business that is Card Act, HR 627, Compliant. Disclosure: We helped pass that. Thx Dick Durbin (D-IL) for allowing us to help you help student FICO scores via the Credit Card CARD Act of 2009.

Slide Seven (Slide 7): what problem you have
Once you call it that, our little “Zero Day Hack” makes marketing sense. SO. Set aside 1/1000th of your time-and-budget to do a second stage premium. DO it with us. Do it without us. Gawd we don’t care. We are super busy with the line and our WAITLIST.

SLIDE (8) Eight: Solved patch like quilt
Intrapreneurship is defined as attempting to do great work with little resources even though we might get penalized for trying to do good work. Remember, good work happens despite managements efforts.Solve it quilt-like by googling your problem +Duck9. I bet their is a ‘live action business case study’ on it (LABCS).

Slide Nine (Slide #9): what problem you have.
HTDWD9DWOHTHD9 Slide Ten (Slide #10): funny slide.

Slide Eleven (Slide #11): quilt DJ up two API’s
an API is using another company’s resources using an “Application Protocol Interface”
Slide 12 more technical talk to seem expert. Be expert.

Slide 13: Stanford University trusts me so hire one of my students. They keep 100% of what you pay them
Slide 14: testimonial. Ideally, you would have given testimony to Congress. But only link to that if you did get called upon by Congress in the 106th Congress to testify as Larry Chiang, credit expert.

Slide fourteen is your testimonial slide.

Slide 15– contact info and more bad news: We have a waitlist. But email me and I’ll introduce you to one of my competitors

Slide 16 — No trademark. No copyright. Feel free to copy and pass this along as your own work.

Slide 17. This is how you contact ProsperAss. You can call my cell: 650-283-8008. Here is an archive of text message question I got asked and answered. Slide seventeen ENDS

YOU’RE welcome.
You realize that the conclusion to HTDWD9DWOHTHD9 is = “Lets just hire Duck9”.

Lets just hire the people that wrote HTDWD9DWOHTHD9.
We are impressed that you are letting us steal from HTDWD9DWOHTHD9. But we are too lazy to execute so we will just hire you. #HTDWD9DWOHTHD9

UPDATE: #HTDWD9DWOHTHD9 links to this post RE: Slide Seventeen (Slide #17).

Larry Chiang taught engineering at Stanford University so CS majors can get a JBA (Jedi in Business Administration). His eponymous fellowship seek to help undergrads make $600k.  It activates his mentor’s, Mark McCormack’s, book “What They Don’t Teach You at Harvard Business School”. It is all legal as his mentor that taught him, went to Yale Law. After Chiang’s Harvard Law keynote, Harvard Business wrote: “What They Don’t Teach You at Stanford Business School“ (it’s the same title as his NY Times bestseller). He is Entrepreneur in Residence at MIT University. If you read his hilariously awesome “What a Supermodel Can Teach a Stanford MBA” and “How to Get Man-Charm”, you will like this LEGENDARY post: #EURVMM.

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