What Alex Mann “Found In Translation” When I Blogged About His Blog Article About Bill Murray

Augmented by Larry Chiang

hat tip: James Hong for this

12 Insane Things That Happened On My Night Out With Bill Murray

This will double as my premier of the series called “Found in Translation”. My comments are in ALL BOLD

12 Insane Things That Happened On My Night Out With Bill Murray

by Alex Mann

“No one will ever believe you.”

Legend has it that’s what Bill Murray says after he covers your eyes from behind and turns you around to reveal he’s Bill Murray. If you’re not familiar with the legend of Bill Murray, he’s also been known to show up at student loft parties, crash kickball games,

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: IT’S SO TRUE.

and to be reachable only by an 800 number. No one knows which stories are true, but it doesn’t matter; the fact that we discuss them at all is what makes Bill Murray a legend.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION

I was lucky enough to run into the legend himself at a Tribeca Film Festival after-party. There he was, sitting at the bar. My first thought was, “Holy shit. That’s Bill Murray.” My second thought was, “Bill Murray looks old.” Straggly hair, bushy salt-and-pepper eyebrows, baggy eyes. He had this smug look like he was the most important guy in the room, which he probably was. No one was talking to him. I had to try.

What followed was the weirdest, most memorable night of my life.

1. I sit next to Bill at the bar. “Bill, hi. I’m a big fan.”

“Oh, thanks.” He looks at me, turns away. I start to get up. Then he goes, “What are you drinking?”

“Me?” He catches me off-guard. “Beer – any beer is fine.”

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: HERE HE JAB STEPS AN ESCAPE  BUT WILL STAY TO NETWORK WITH YOU. ITS BECAUSE YOU PASS THE FIRST TEST SO THE ALPHA MALE ‘TIME-EXTENDS’ YOU.

Bill nods at the bartender. He brings me a Corona.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: A BEER IS AT LEAST THREE MINUTES OF NETWORKING TIME EXTENSION. THINK OF IT AS A VIDEO GAME WHERE YOU GET EXTRA LIVES ON TOP OF EXTRA MINUTES BEFORE “GAME OVER”

Bill turns to me. “Hey, cheers. Good festival. Great festival. We’re festivaling.”

He raises his cup, clinks mine. We sip, then put our cups down. I glance into his cup. It’s not beer or even a mixed drink. It’s chicken noodle soup.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: WHY DRINK WHEN YOU CAN SIP SOUP WHEN YOU WANT TO SIP NOODLE SOUP. ALPHA MALES CONSUME WHAT THEY WANT IN A PATTERNISTIC WAY. IF THEY DO IT AT HOME, THEY’LL DRINK SOUP AT 9PM AT A BAR IN TRIBECA

2. I figure since Bill got me a beer, it’s okay to stay for a few minutes.

I hadn’t prepared for this moment, so instead of asking “questions I’ve always wanted to ask Bill Murray,” I talk to him like a normal guy. He asks why I’m at the festival. “A friend of mine has a film here.” He’s there because, “Bobby told me to come,” who I can only assume is Robert De Niro, one of the festival’s founders.

Bill asks, “You ever seen The Godfather?”

“Of course. I try to watch it once a year.”

“Yeah? Never seen it. Heard good things though.” Bill slurps his soup.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: YOU SHOULD GET BILL MURRAY A COPY ON DVD OR/ AND VHS. WITH A HANDWRITTEN NOTE. SIGN THAT SHITAKE ‘karl’ aka larry chiang

3. A kid and his dad ask to take a picture with Bill.

When the kid hands his dad the camera, Bill gestures for the dad to be in the picture. “It’s okay. Karl will take it.” I hadn’t introduced myself to Bill, so apparently my name was now Karl.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: NO AWKWARDNESS BECAUSE ONLY YOU’RE TEMP AWKWARD. INTERNALLY. TO THE KID AND HIS DAD, YOU’RE COOL. PLUS U PASSED ANOTHER BILL MURRAY ALPHA MALE TEST

THE TEST IS CAN karl AKA ALEX MANN ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES

I take the picture. Bill doesn’t smile, but smiles as soon as the kid and his dad walk away. He then goes, “How long til that’s on Facebook?”

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: PRETTY FUNNY!!

4. Bill asks if I want to “go crash another circus.”

I assume this means another bar.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: AT THIS POINT YOU’VE PASSED THREE OR FOUR CRITICAL TESTS. IN SEQUENCE. NICE JOB ALEX MANN

Bill calls the bartender over and asks for two Bud Lights to go. They don’t have Bud Light, so Bill orders two Coronas. Bill stuffs a Corona into each of his jacket pockets.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: LEGALLY IN NYC, YOU CAN ONLY PROSECUTE IF THE COP CAN SEE WHAT BRAND BEER YOU’RE CARRYING. HAVING BOTH BUD LIGHT AND CORONA IS A GENIUS MOVE THAT HE LEARNED FROM A LAWYER THAT PRACTICES COPYRIGHT OR IP.

Bill glances around, then turns to me. “Listen, kid. If you’re coming with me, I have two rules.”

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: THOSE ARE NOT RULES. THOSE ARE INTERROGATIONS TO SEE IF YOU LISTEN

“Okay.”

“Hand me your phone.”

He taps at the phone, examines it, then hands it back.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: HE JUST CALLED HIS OWN SECURITY DETAIL THAT MATCHES YOUR CELL TO A NAME THAT YOUR CELL IS CONNECTED TO PHONE BILL-WISE. WHEN YOU HANG OUT WITH DAUGHTERS OF HEADS OF STATE, THEY TAKE YOUR CELL AND MARRY IT TO A PICTURE DB OF GOV’T ID. AN UN-OBTRUSIVE WAY TO ID CHECK YOU IS TO DO WHAT BILL MURRAY DID. AN OBTRUSIVE METHOD IS TO ASK FOR ID OR HAVE HIS SECURITY DETAIL STEP IN TO ASK FOR ID. OR FOR THE BARTENDER TO ASK FOR ID, ASSUMING THE BARTENDER IS THEN ALSO ON THE SECURITY DETAIL FOR SAID ALPHA MALE.

“Let’s go.”

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: IN ALPHA MALE PARLANCE, THIS IS CRIME SCENE NUMBER ONE TRANSITIONING TO CRIME SCENE NUMBER TWO (BUT NO CRIME. THEY JUST CALL IT CRIME SCENE #2 OR POPSICLE STAND #2. SOME SECURITY DETAILS WON’T LET THE ALPHA GET TO POPSICLE STAND #7, #8 AND #9. LIKE TONY BLAIR ALWAYS SAYS; NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS AFTER POPSICLE STAND #5 🙂

5. I had never hung out with anyone as famous as Bill Murray. Every second it’s, “Bill! Bill Murray! Mr. Murray!”

It must be weird to hear your name so much. He was a gentleman, but didn’t take any pictures after the first one. (“I don’t have my makeup,” he’d say. People got over the picture thing once they became part of a Bill Murray bit.)

I leave the party. Bill shows up outside a few minutes after me. He walks and I follow. First down a sidewalk, then down an alleyway, then down another alleyway.

Bill turns to me. “You want your drink?”

“Sure.”

Bill pulls out a Corona from his pocket and hands it to me. Then from his other pocket, he pulls out a Bud Light – the Bud Light the bar didn’t even have.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: SEE HOW WELL BILL MURRAY LISTENS TO A karl, 15 ‘KARL’S’ AGO. 15 KARLS AGO WAS AN ATTY WHO COACHED HIM ON THIS.

6. Bill leads me to an unassuming wooden doorway with a doorman.

The doorman doesn’t recognize Bill, or at least doesn’t act like it.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: THAT IS NOT AN ORDINARY DOORMAN. EITHER HE IS ON THE SECURITY DETAIL OR BILL MURRAY ENLISTED HIM AS PART OF A POP UP ENTOURAGE. SOCIAL ALPHA MALES DO NOT FLY IN AN ENTOURAGE, THEY CONJURE ONE UP LOCALLY.

He goes, “Y’all can’t come in here with ya beers.” Bill looks at me and shrugs. He tilts his head back and starts chugging his Bud Light. I tilt my head back and join him. When I bring my head back down, Bill’s gone. In his place is a crushed Bud Light can. The doorman points inside.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: THIS IS A GOOD STORY AND TRUE STORY AND A FUNNY ADVENTURE

7. The bar is empty. Electronic music plays faintly from a speaker.

The bar looks like it’s closed or hasn’t opened yet. A bartender cleans glasses. She looks up at me, “You’re with Billy?”

“I think so.”

The bartender reaches under the bar, and then hands me a red, plastic kazoo. A kazoo! I laugh, look up at her. She’s not laughing. On the kazoo is a piece of white tape with my name written on it. My REAL NAME – not “Karl” like he called me before. She points to the back of the bar.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: YOUR NAME IS FROM YOUR CELL PHONE RECORDS.

8. I walk down steps and arrive to a hallway with multiple doors. Was this a brothel?

I pace down the hallway; a door opens behind me. “Yo Gary.” I turn around and see Bill’s head sticking out of the doorway. I go inside. It’s a karaoke room.

It’s Bill and four others: Michelle, a cute Asian girl. Harvey, an “artist-in-residence,” although I didn’t catch where. Clyde, who I’m pretty sure said he’s a “ringworm.”

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: ALEX MANN, WOW YOU LISTEN WELL AND HAVE A GREAT MEMORY! NICE!!

And, a guy in a tailored black suit who didn’t introduce himself or make eye contact.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: ‘SECURITY DETAIL. PAID SECURITY DETAIL.’ = BLACK SUIT

Bill points at me. “This is Mark. We met at Petco.”
LARRY CHIANG SAYS: PETCO IS CODE FOR ‘FRIENDLY AND FLUFFY’

9. I sit next to Bill on a couch. He shuts his eyes. I assume he’s taking a nap.

With his eyes closed, he goes, “You’re ready.”

“I guess. Ready for what?”

Bill reveals a red kazoo. On the kazoo is a white piece of tape with his name on it, just like mine.

10. I think I’m about to watch Bill Murray do karaoke, just like in Lost In Translation.

Then, Bill gestures for me to join him on stage.

It’s at this moment that I wonder if this is a “thing” – Bill Murray finds a stranger and brings him to karaoke night. Maybe Michelle, Harvey, Ringworm and Suit Guy were previous candidates. Okay, definitely not Suit Guy.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: ITS NOT ‘HIS THING’. HE JUST WANTED TO HANG OUT WITH YOU. HIS FAMILY IS HUGE AND I AM SURE HE TREASURED HIS TIME WITH YOU.

11. Bill points a finger at ceiling. “Play it.”

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: THE WORDS JUST CONVEY 7%. I AM POSITIVE THE TONALITY AND THE PHYSIOLOGY WERE FUNNY IN A IM SO EFFEN SERIOUS. DON’T SCREW THIS UP. KINDA WAY.

Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like A Wolf” blasts through the speakers. “Wait,” I think. “This song has no kazoo in it.” But I look over at Bill, and there he is wailing at his kazoo to the melody of the song.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: SEE.

Bill and I switch off singing the verses. We sing the choruses together. On the last verse, Bill pushes me to the front to lead. I briefly turn around while singing and see Bill playing the kazoo, although he holds the kazoo sideways like he’s playing flute.

The song finishes. Bill puts his arm around me. We bow, and in unison, blow our red kazoos.

12. Bill asks if I want to “go to level five.”

We make our way to the street and Bill hails a cab. “Good sir, take us to Columbus Circle.” I figure the cab ride is a good time to ask Bill one of the questions I’d been wondering all night.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: THIS IS POPSICLE STAND #3

“Bill, what’s your second rule?”

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: ALEX MANN, NICE WORK LISTENING WHILE YOU’RE DEE-RUNK.

BILL MURRAY SAYS: “Doesn’t matter. You followed it.”

The cab lets us out in Columbus Circle. Bill tells me he has to puke. “It’s what happens when I mix beer, karaoke and soup.” He walks to a fountain.

Bill leans over the fountain and hurls. Shortly after, so do I. I didn’t expect this night to end with Bill Murray and I puking into a fountain together, but there we were. I was puking with Bill Murray! I hate puking, but for that moment, I loved it.

After 30 seconds, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I lean back and expect to see Bill consoling me. But no, it’s a cop.

“You okay, sir?”

I wipe my mouth with my sleeve and glance around. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

Where’s Bill? I look around the fountain. Nothing. I look in the fountain. Nothing. I looked down the block. Nothing. I was half-expecting Bill to pop out, cover my eyes, and say, “No one will ever believe you.” He didn’t.

I start walking. My phone vibrates. It’s a text message from a number I don’t have saved. It says, “Did you eat ham, Karl?”

The next day I call the number. It’s disconnected.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: ITS NOT DISCONNECTED. HE CONTROLS THE SWITCHBOARD. HE HAS SEVEN PHONES AND DOESN’T CARRY ANY. HE MEMORIZES 50 NUMBERS OF FRIENDS, FAMILY AND SECURITY DETAIL

HE LOOKS OLD BUT HIS BRAIN IS ON CHICKEN SOUP. HE MAY NOT HAVE BEEN DRUNK OR INGESTED ANY ALCOHOL

I couldn’t wait to tell people about my night out with Bill Murray, but of course, no one will ever believe me.

LARRY CHIANG SAYS: ALEX, YOU ACED IT. THIS WAS A GREAT STORY.